Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
