I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
