the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
