Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
