Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
