He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
