forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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