Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
