Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize