Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
this is an emotional support booty call
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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