OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just pynch a tree in the face
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
