I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
