i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
