You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
