how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Someone signed my nipple.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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