Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
