I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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