Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
