That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
