I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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