fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
