I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
