Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
