So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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