Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
