you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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