even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
