yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
babies were throwing up all over the place
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
