GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
