im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
