can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
