totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The Olympian is in my bed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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