hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
