He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
