oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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