Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
