hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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