Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
