I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
4 words: hood of his car
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
