You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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