I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
