My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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