How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
