I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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