he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
