last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize