She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize