dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this just has baby written all over it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
