You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
