Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
