This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You pole danced in your parka.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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