watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
