I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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