I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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