My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
