Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
