Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
