can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
