Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
