I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just high enough for therapy.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
