I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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