seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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