Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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