So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
