Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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