you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
